Is this what it feels like
by duorock
Summary: "...to have your heart ripped out, bit by bit everyday, until all that is left is a shell of a man?" A tale of unrequited love, and pure and unadulterated pain. How far can you go for the one you love? How much can you endure? Uni!lock AU. Sherlock/Victor, Johnlock. Read individual chapter warnings inside.
1. Chapter 1: He is everything

**Hey all! This is my first ever Sherlock multichapter fanfic. This will be a Uni!lock AU. I have seen many stories on a pining Sherlock, but not many on pining John. This is my attempt at that. Hope you guys like it!**

 **NOTE: To those who have read my fic 'A Photograph', this fic is NOT connected with it. The AU fic which follows that fic will be published soon under the name 'Sherlock's New Fan.'**

 **Chapter warnings : Sherlock/trevor, Johnlock, homosexual relationships...don't like, don't read!**

* * *

 **Chapter 1: He is everything...**

"John!"

A smile involuntarily creeps on to my lips. I do not need to turn to know that Sherlock is back. I could recognize his presence even if I were blind or deaf.

Sherlock and I have been friends since middle school. At that time, I was a new kid and he was the school "freak" (I still hate that word being used in context with him), but we got on pretty well after I defended him from some bullies. He realized that I appreciated his talent for observation and deduction unlike others and had no intention of hurting him and so let me befriend him.

And he really is fantastic! He can tell you your life story from the state of your clothes or the mud on your shoes! Many people get offended by it, but I find it truly mesmerizing. When he is in his element, he gets that twinkle in his eyes and his face lights up and he is the most beautiful creature on Earth…

Anyway, I'm rambling now. At present, the two of us share room 221B of Baker Street University, where I am studying medicine to become a doctor and Sherlock…well frankly speaking; I really don't understand what he is studying. He says these subjects will help him to become a Consulting Detective, which means, and I quote, "When the police are out of their depths, which is always, they will consult me." Brilliant man!

"John! Where are you?" Sherlock has always been so impatient!

"I'm in the washroom Sherlock!"

Sherlock must have traveled at the speed of light, I suppose, because suddenly I find him standing right next to me in bloody bathroom! Used to such invasions of privacy from him, however, I simply turn to him and ask, "What's up?"

"John, Victor has brought us three tickets for the movies, will you come?"

Outwardly, I am still smiling, but inwardly, I wince. Victor Trevor is the son of one of the richest business tycoons J.P. Trevor and Sherlock's boyfriend of one week and two days. Yes, I counted.

"Sorry Sherlock! You know my exams are approaching and I need to study. I really can't afford to waste time at this stage."

"Since when has spending time with me become a waste of time?" Sherlock pouts.

And just how do I explain to this infuriatingly brilliant idiot that it is not spending time with him, but spending time with _them_ that is the problem?

"You know I don't mean it like that Sherlock!" I placate. "I really need to study a lot for these exams. After all, not all of us are geniuses like you, are we?"

"Come on John, just one day, please!"

I almost gasp in surprise. Sherlock Holmes _never_ says please. Does this mean that much to him? Oh well then….

"Ok you insufferable git, but just because you asked nicely."

"Thanks John! You're the best! I'll just inform Vic." And with that, he practically bounces off to call _Vic._

As Sherlock leaves the room, I finally allow the smile to drop. I still remember the day when Sherlock told me that Victor had proposed to him. He was nervous as hell. After all that happened with Irene and Jim ( I still shudder as I am reminded of that monster), he had become quite afraid of relationships. However, I knew Victor was a good man, and I encouraged him to give him a chance, even as my heart bled at every word. You see, I am, by his own admission, Sherlock's best friend. But to me, he is so much more. Infact, he is the focus around which my life revolves. He is my sun, my stars, my life..

He is the man I love more than life itself.

Over the next few days, Victor and Sherlock grew quite close, going on dates almost every evening. Sherlock's inhibitions had been shed and he was pretty comfortable with him now. He was still apprehensive regarding the physical side of their relationship though...they hadn't progressed beyond occasional hugs and one heat of the moment kiss. However, they were progressing well enough, and Sherlock was happy. Very happy. And ignorant of the tumult of emotions in my heart.

Everytime I see them together, I really don't understand what to feel. There is jealousy and envy for Victor's good fortune, and still a warm feeling in my heart when I see Sherlock's bright smile when he sees him...almost enough to brighten the room or the whole world. And there is pain. A searing pain which almost brings me to tears every single time. Shouldn't one become accustomed to the pain after years of dealing with it? Well, it seems that it is not the case. It is almost as bad, if not worse, than the pain in my shoulder, but that's a story for another day.

Well, evening comes soon enough as I focus on studying (and musing) and finally it is time to leave.

"Sherlock! John! Where are you?" Looks like Victor's here.

"Hey Victor!" I said as enter. I had gone to Greg's room to return a book. Greg Lestrade is one of Sherlock's very few friends and his brother's boyfriend. His ambition is to enter the Met.

"Hey Vic!" says Sherlock as he emerges from within, fully dressed. My breath gets caught in my throat.

Sherlock Holmes looks absolutely gorgeous in tight fitting black jeans and a purple shirt (God, I love that shirt!) with two buttons open, exposing just enough of that perfectly beautiful skin to take my breath away.

"You look gorgeous Sherlock!" says Victor as he hugs him.

"You too Vic!" says Sherlock, fondness clearly visible in his eyes. "Ah John! You're back from Greg's I see. Well then, what's the hold up, let's go!"

And they turn to leave, but I am still rooted to my place.

"Umm..Sherlock. Could I please talk to Victor... _alone?_ "

The two of them stop and turn back. Twin gazes of curiosity are pinned on to me, one piercing and calculative, other slightly amused.

"Why not John!" says Victor good-naturedly. "I think it actually is time for the ' hurt him and suffer the consequences' speech really. I've got one from Sherlock's brother but.."

"When on Earth did Mycroft meet you?" asks Sherlock, slightly horrified. Considering his brother's habit to literally _kidnap_ people to talk to them (read threaten them or bribe them), I can understand the reaction.

"Just yesterday Sherlock. Anyway, as I was saying, John is just as entitled to give me that speech. He is you're best friend after all. Just wait in the car for me, will you love?" Sherlock looks conflicted, but finally nods. "Thank You! We'll be back soon."

After Sherlock leaves, I finally get the courage to let out what I have wanted to say for long.

"Victor, I would have said this earlier but never got a chance. First of all, I know you are a good man. But Victor, Sherlock has had two highly unsuccessful relationships in the past and..."

"You don't want his heart broken again, isn't it?" I nod and meet his questioning gaze with determination. There is pin-drop silence.

Finally, after five agonizingly long minutes, Victor says, "He really means a lot to you, doesn't he?"

However, he doesn't wait for my answer as Sherlock appears that moment to literally drag him out, shouting behind them "Come on John! We'll be late."

If he had stayed long enough, however, he might have caught the words breathed into the air, like a solemn prayer.

"He is everything..."

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 **And that's it! Hope you guys like it! Well, some points:**

 **-I made a few changes in the timeline to suit my convenience. Hope nobody minds!**

 **-Sherlock may be OOC, but that's intentional.**

 **-There are some loopholes in this chapter, but they will be resolved in subsequent chapters.**

 **-English is not my first language, so pardon me for any grammatical errors. Better still, point them out so that I may improve.**

 **-The inspiration for this story came from reading "melodies" by samaadhi. It's truly brilliant!**

 **Please read and review!**


	2. Chapter 2: Thank you Victor

**A big Thank you to all those who read this story! However, I would really, really like to know your views, even criticism. So do hit the review button! Every review brings a smile to my face, even criticizing ones! :)**

 **Chapter 2 : Thank you Victor**

Looking at Sherlock with Victor, happy and cheerful, chatting away to his heart's content and, most importantly, enjoying someone else's touch, I have to say _Thank You Victor...Thank You..._

Because what I told Victor was absolutely true, you know. Sherlock's last two relationships had really broken him. It all started in middle school with _the girl._ Irene Adler was the school diva, and everyone was surprised when one day, all of a sudden, she began to seduce Sherlock Holmes, the school 'freak!' And besides, Irene had, rather flamboyantly, admitted to being lesbian by kissing a girl in the school assembly hall! Anyway, Irene was charming and intelligent, and Sherlock was quite enamored with her. Things were progressing quite smoothly- they met, they dated, they kissed- until one day photos of a nude Sherlock were spread in the entire school and Irene broke up with Sherlock stating that seducing Sherlock was a bet she made with her girlfriend...to reduce the school 'freak' to begging...I couldn't believe my ears when Greg told me about it! (I was absent from school that day due to a cold, and I still hate myself for not being there to help my friend). Well, Sherlock's father was able to use his government ties to hush the matter, but the damage was done. Sherlock refused to let anyone come close to him. He tried to push me away as well, but...well..I was (and still am) a stubborn guy.

Incidentally, it was Irene who made me realize for the first time that I was in love with my best friend. I got separated from my classmates during the year end school trip and met Irene (who had evidently given the others the slip to talk to me). I was still furious and refused to listen to her, but,well, let's just say she is much more stubborn than I'll ever be.

What she told me, boiled down to this- seducing Sherlock WAS a bet, but in the course of fulfilling her bet, she got "Sherlocked", as she called it. Nevertheless, she fulfilled her bet to maintain her reputation in school. But it was specifically this part of the conversation that got me thinking-

"You were jealous, weren't you?"

"We're not a couple!"

"Yes you are!"

"For anyone out there who cares, well, I'm not actually gay!"

"And I...am. Look at us now!"

It was about half an hour later that I was found by my classmates, but that was enough time for me to reflect on my relationship with Sherlock until then, and I had an epiphany.

 _I am in love with Sherlock! I am in love with my bloody best friend! I am in love with a guy...who'll never love me back. I am in love with a mad genius, who deserves someone much better...someone less...broken..._

And I never said a thing.

It wasn't until high school that Sherlock ventured into relationships again...and I really wish he hadn't.

Sebastian Moran was a rather handsome guy with a razor sharp wit. He was persistent in his flirting to the point of madness, and gradually Sherlock started to warm up to him. (By that time, we had both come out with our bisexuality)

However, I was always wary of that guy. He had somewhat the look of a predator whenever he glanced at Sherlock. I tried to warn him, and that led to our first major fight since we became friends. Unlike the time with Irene, his words actually hurt me this time...but that's a story for another time.

Anyway, one week of avoiding each-other took its toll on me and I finally landed in front of Holmes manor, intending to apologize. A servant opened the door, stated that 'Master Sherlock' was not at home and ushered me to 'Master Mycroft's' room at my insistence.

"Where's Sherlock, Mycroft?"

A condescending smirk greeted me. "Ah, John! I thought you were not talking to my little brother. Why the sudden interest in his whereabouts?"

"I...I just wanted to apologize. I may have over reacted...and frankly speaking whatever I wish to say to my friend is none of your fucking business, Mycroft. So now, where. is. Sherlock?"

"Well John, while your intentions are very noble, I'm afraid you will have to wait. Sherlock has currently gone to a pool party with Sebastian at the Country Club."

An icy chill gripped my heart.

"What did you just say?"

"You know we Holmeses don't like to repeat our words Jo..." whatever he was going to say died down as he looked at my absolutely terrified expression.

"What's... the matter John?"

"Mycroft, the rugby team went to the same club a week before to celebrate its latest victory..."

"The pursuits of your Rugby club do not interest.."

" **Fucking listen to me Mycroft Holmes!** When the Rugby club went there a week ago, there was a huge announcement board there, stating that _The club will be closing down for the week for renovations!"_

Mycroft's face clearly showed that he understood the situation.

"Sebastian lied Mycroft! He fucking lied! Sherlock...Sherlock is in danger Mycroft!"

It was after about half an hour that Mycroft and I reached the country club. Mycroft and Greg were dating even then, and he contacted Greg to ask for the help of his father, Police Chief Lestrade.

By the time we reached the pool, I was shaking with fear and rage. Mycroft appeared as calm as ever, but his eyes betrayed his fury. However, we dared not make a sound, as we couldn't afford to warn Sebastian. Finally, we reached the pool, and what we saw shook me to the core.

Sherlock Holmes was lying prone on the floor, not completely conscious and naked. He was being held down by Sebastian and was trying in vain to resist another guy who was giving him a blowjob without his consent. It looked like he was drugged. He was pleading with the guy to stop, but he was only looking down at him with a condescending smirk. Unable to stop myself in the face of my friend's plight, I almost ran out of our hiding place to stop him. But Mycroft was way ahead of me.

"Stop Jim" He said in his ever so calm voice.

And that was when the guy turned towards us and I recognized him as Jim Moriarty, the new guy in school and Molly Hooper's boyfriend.

"Ah! Johnny boy and big brother are here! Now the game will get even more interesting!"

"Sherlock's life is not a fucking game, you psycho!" I could not believe my ears. All this is a _game_ to this guy!

His answering smile sent chills to my bones. "And that's where you are mistaken, Johnny boy! Everybody's life is nothing more than a game to me. And Sherlock has been the most interesting game of all! It really wasn't easy, but Seb did a wonderful job, don't you agree? Sherlock was smitten! He even went against you for him! Did it hurt, Johnny boy? The lack of attention from your best friend...being at second place in his priorities...did it hurt? Seriously though, with all that hype about Sherlock's intelligence, he really is an idiot.."

Any more words which were going to emerge from that filthy mouth were cut as a powerful uppercut sent Jim Moriarty to the floor.

"Sherlock. is. not. an. idiot. You really have no right to judge him, you psychotic bastard!"

I really wanted to say a lot more, but then he got up and started clapping! Jim Moriarty was fucking clapping!

"Wonderful! Wonderful Johnny boy! So this pet has teeth! Not yet housebroken, are you, eh? Really Sherlock, a whore like you has found a fascinatingly loyal pet! But then, you are MY whore! Only mine! So, interesting as he is, the pet has to go!"

With that, Jim Moriarty took out a knife and stabbed me!

However, before he could do any more damage, Greg's father arrived at the scene and arrested the two of them.

This ordeal literally broke Sherlock. He was unresponsive for a week before we were finally able to break his shields. And then he cried. He cried more than I had ever seen him do. More than perhaps his entire life. Even more than his father's death (and he was very close to his father. His death was heart shattering for him). His sleep was plagued with nightmares for months. He refused to let anyone touch him, not even his own brother! It took almost a year of care and support from his family and friends before his life gained some normalcy. But he had sworn off relationships.

"John!" As usual, Sherlock's voice broke my train of thoughts and brought me back to the present.

"Yes Lock!" the nickname still brings a beautiful smile to his face. I cannot help the answering smile on my face.

"Victor and I are planning to got to a club after the movie, and you are coming as well, no excuses."

And how can I ever refuse this brilliant, brilliant man?

"Alright Lock." I said with the sigh of a long suffering man.

And seeing his dazzling smile few minutes later when Victor kissed hmi on the cheek, I can only say _Thank you Victor,_ even if it rips my heart out...even as it _hurts._

 **Please read and review!**


	3. Chapter 3: Breakdown

**A big thank you to all readers! I know, the story may be appearing a bit strange right now, but believe me, it is heading towards somthing you all wouldn't have imagined at all! Any guesses? Anyway. let's move on...**

 **Chapter 3: Breakdown**

The club today is too noisy for my taste- so much so that I have to strain my ears to hear Sherlock and Victor, who are standing right next to me!

"Come on Sherlock, just once!"

If looks could kill, Sherlock would have Victor Trevor's blood on his hands by now.

"Oh come on Sherlock! You can't just keep standing here, you have to dance!" Victor's voice is close to pleading now.

"No way Vic!" Sherlock is getting slightly annoyed. "I came to the club at your insistence as you wanted to introduce me to some of your friends. It isn't my fault that they ditched you at the last moment! Why are you punishing me by making me _dance_?" He said the last word as if it is the worst torture on earth.

 _Oh God._ Sherlock has had an aversion to dancing ever since he was made fun of by one of his cousins, who said, and I quote, that he looked like a tall gangling monkey while he danced. I've tried several times to get him dance, but to no avail. Looks like some things just don't change.

"Come on Lock! Just this once, please!"

.

.

.

How can it be that when your world crashes around you, you hear only silence?

 _Lock_. This was the nickname I had given to Sherlock after the Irene incident. A small gesture, but my voice shows all my fondness for him whenever I say it, and the smile that comes to his face as a result is the smile of angels, innocent and pure, just a bit shy, but lights up his eyes. It is one of my most cherished and closely guarded possessions, this name. And now it is Victor's too.

Not a big deal really. He is Sherlock's boyfriend, after all! He has the right to call him whatever he chooses. No big deal. But somehow, this one act has proven to be the pinprick to the explosion of my long suppressed emotions.

"Hey John!" Victor's voice brought me to reality. "Will you join us on the dance floor?"

Oh! So Sherlock agreed. Great.

Right now, I am really glad that I have my back turned to them, or Sherlock would have easily caught the look of utter devastation that crossed my features. It is only with years of practice that I manage to school my features into a neutral expression. Only then do I turn to them.

"Sorry guys, but I really need to leave now."

"John" Sherlock's voice has an edge of panic. "What's wrong? Are you alright?"

I really don't know how I managed the small smile that seems to have calmed my friend (friend?) somewhat.

"Don't worry Sherlock! I just have a splitting headache. I really need to get back now, or else I won't be able to go to class tomorrow."

"If it's that bad, then I'm coming with you. I'm not leaving you alone when you are sick John!"

Oh Sherlock! Please don't make it more difficult for me than it already is! I _need_ to escape!

"No Sherlock! Please don't spoil your night for me." I raise my hand to stop the forthcoming argument. "Really Sherlock! I'll be fine! I just need some rest. Now go and dance and enjoy with Victor. Don't let my stupid headache spoil your fun." He still looked conflicted.

"Let's go Sherlock." said Victor. "Ah! Looks like my friends are here at last! Come on! I really want you to meet them!" Sherlock hesitated.

"Go on Sherlock. It's all fine." When will I be able to say these words and mean them as well?

With that, I left, intending to go to the only place where the tumult of my emotions can be released safely.

* * *

About an hour and a half later, the door to 221B opens as silently as possible as Sherlock Holmes enters the room. He walks on tiptoes literally, in order to avoid further aggravating the condition of his roommate and best friend John Watson. Although John had insisted that all was fine (honestly, didn't he tire from saying the same thing over and over?), Sherlock is fully aware that things are not fine. Not at all.

First of all, John Hamish Watson has never left Sherlock so abruptly. He remembers the one time in high school when John went with him to the garden, where they collected soil samples all day, and never once insisted to leave despite realizing that he was not feeling well. Sherlock had been so engrossed in his field work that he missed all signs of his best friend's deteriorating condition right up to the point when a loud thud made him aware of the fact that John had fainted! So no, John would not leave him like that for something so trivial as a headache.

Secondly, and most importantly, John called him _Sherlock._ John never, _never_ calls him Sherlock outside Uni. He always calls him Lock whenever he can, the only exception being infront of bullies like Anderson and Donovan. Oh, Sherlock has been called names before, but only out of spite. Freak, crazy, robot are some of the kinder ones. But never once had Sherlock been called a name with fondness before John. John knows that Sherlock loves it, this sign of friendship and genuine affection between them. And yet he called him Sherlock.

These were the two major reasons that led Sherlock Holmes to leave the club just an hour and a half after John despite Victor's protests. He tried to stay to please his boyfirend, but his heart was back at 221B. He needed to know what was wrong with John- with his best friend.

Still using, Sherlock enters the kitchen to find the sink empty- not even a cup of tea. Odd. John never skips his tea. He has three cups a day, and never misses them, especially not when he has a headache. Similarly, it indicates that John skipped dinner- another rare occurrence.

At this moment, Sherlock's eyes land on a note on the fridge in John's distinctive handwriting (to him- not that it is anything extraordinary, but Sherlock can identify it among thousands of others)

 _Sherlock,_

 _Sorry, couldn't wait up for you. Wasn't feeling very well and needed rest. Didn't feel like eating. But don't you worry; I'll be fine after a sound sleep. But this does not mean that you get away with not eating. You haven't eaten a proper dinner in four days Sherlock. I made some lasagna- it's in the microwave (which I had to thoroughly clean first, by the way, thanks to the fingers I found in them! Seriously Sherlock! Spare the bloody microwave or clean up after your experiments!) Eat it or I'll be really cross in the morning Sherlock. And then get some sleep- don't stay up thinking for too long or sorting your Mind Palace or whatever. See you in the morning._

 _John_

 _P.S. - No violins please!_

Warmth pooled in Sherlock's heart. _Oh John!_ He was feeling so unwell, and yet managed to think about Sherlock's welfare! _Dear God! What did I do to deserve such a wonderful friend?_

A knock at their door brings Sherlock out of his reverie. He bolts to the door like never before, lest the knocking wake John up. He opens the door carefully, ready to chase away whosoever was on the other side. But Greg Lestrade's apprehensive expression stops him in his tracks.

"What's the matter Gavin? Did my brother finally manage to scare you?"

Greg rolled his eyes. "First of all, its Greg , Sherlock! Secondly, no, things are absolutely fine between Myc and me, thanks for asking. And lastly…" his face turned serious again. "…is..is John alright Sherlock?"

"Well, he said he had a headache, but otherwise….why do you ask?"

"Well, I may be wrong, you know I'm no genius like you Holmeses and I might have made a mistaken assumption but.."

"Get to the point Greg!"

"Alright, you nutter! It's just that, I saw John entering the room ten minutes ago, and…his face had a sort of blank expression. I tried to call out to him, but he seemed to be in a world of his own. Before I could approach him, however, he shut the bloody door right in my face! And never once responded as I knocked! It might have been because of the headache- God knows they can be troubling- but this is so unlike John…"

Outwardly, Sherlock is calmly listening to his words. But his mind is whirling.

"It must have been the headache Greg." He manages to answer nonchalantly, even though his mind is full of questions. "He's asleep right now, I'll talk to him in the morning."

Greg calms a bit. "Ok Sherlock. Just…do talk to him. I'm worried."

With that he leaves, and Sherlock is left alone with his questions.

Ten minutes ago? John had left the club an hour an a half ago! He should have reached Uni in half an hour max. Where on Earth had John been for over an hour? And why didn't he return immediately if his headache was that bad? And above all, why didn't he mention this to his best friend?

Right now, he wants nothing more than rushing to John's room, shaking him awake and demanding answers. But well, John's note said that he needs sound sleep, and well, after all that John has done for him, Sherlock can give him this at least.

So, he eats up the lasagna, has a shower, brushes and goes to sleep, determined to get answers the first thing in the morning.

However, little does Sherlock know that had he gone up to John's room, he would have been greeted with tear strained cheeks and a bottle of sleeping pills at the bedside table. Nor does he know that had he woken John up, puffy, red-rimmed eyes would have looked up at him. Had he asked questions, the answers would have been literally croaked due to a throat hoarse from sobbing and screaming.

Had he seen his best friend then, Sherlock would have found a broken man.

* * *

 **About an hour ago-**

The cemetery was twenty minutes away from the club. However, the silence was such that it seemed miles away from the city. Miles away from the world, actually. When John arrived, not a single person was to be seen.

John moved with quick steps despite his limp being back. Tears had already started streaming down his cheeks, but they were nowhere close to his actual state of mind. Finally, he stopped in front of two graves.

 _Amanda Watson. A wife, a mother_

 _Harriet Watson. A daughter, a sister, a friend._

John knelt down carefully in front of the gravestones. With a trembling hand, he proceeded to caress both the stones and brush some of the dust off them. This went on for about five minutes, after which he abruptly stopped.

Then, he screamed.

He screamed till his throat was hoarse. He screamed as if his heart was being ripped out. He screamed as if his world had crashed. When he could scream no more he sobbed. And when his tears finally dried out, he kept asking one question over and over.

 _Why?_

 _Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?_

 _Why?_

 _Why?_

It took about half an hour for John to calm down enough to be able to leave the place and return to 221B and maybe face the world again. However, the damage was done.

Today, John Hamish Watson broke down for the first time in about eight years.

* * *

 **What do you think will happen next friends? Will Sherlock get answers? Will John manage to hold on or will his emotions get the best of him?**

 **Do hit the review button. It would be nice to hear your views, even if they consist of just criticism. :)**


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